Email I didn’t send

Hi Mom-

I know you probably won’t want to hear my problems, but I’m feeling quite down and just need to talk to someone, I guess. I hope you don’t mind to much.

The money problem has gotten out of hand. I submitted a new claim for my tax credits back in February, they won’t give you an update for 3 weeks, so after the 3 weeks went by, I called to see what was happening. They told me a letter had been sent out, and I’d have to wait to receive that, so I waited. A full seven days after it was posted, I received it. Apparently I had done something on the claim to indicate to them that Lizzy is not a real person, and they wanted her birth certificate and passport. So, I sent that off, even overnighted it to them. They got it over two weeks ago, and I called them every day for over a week trying to get an update, which they wouldn’t give me. I received her documents back on Saturday, but still no word on the benefit.

Of course, I was relying on this benefit to pay the rent last month, and when it didn’t come through, I couldn’t pay the rent. The landlord turned up two days after the rent was due and was a complete prick, demanding to know where *his* money was! I explained to him what the problem was and that I was sure it would be sorted out within the week, as this was the guidance given to John when he went into one of the walk in centers to ask. I was in full panic mode last week and called the land lords office and spoke to one of the ladies there, told her what the problem was and as far as I knew it was just a case of verifying my daughter was a real person and then putting the claim through, but that they would not tell me anything else. I also told her when my housing benefit payments come through and that I was expecting one imminently, and would forward it to the landlord bank account as soon as I received it. She agreed, and as luck would have it, the payment came through the next day, so I went straight over to their bank and deposited it into their account. I told her the second payment for April would be made when the next housing benefit payment came through (I get two a month), and that the whole of Marchs rent would be paid as soon as the tax credit thing went through. She agreed this would be ok. (I havent had any other problems paying the rent the entire two years we’ve lived here!)

What’s worse is that everyone keeps asking me what I’ve done with Marchs housing benefit money. “Well, thats supposed to pay your rent, not the tax credit!”, and acting like I’m drinking it or putting it in my arm or something. The housing benefit comes in as two separate payments, I pay the rent as one payment. All the money goes in from the various sources throughout the month and it all goes out again. Do they think I’ve got fecking jars sitting around labelled with what the various bits of money are for?!

Well, the damn landlord turned up again today! Practically barged his way into the house and shouted at me, with the kids in the front room, that if I didn’t pay him by the end of the week, I’d be out! I was furious, what a jerk!!!! I told him I felt that was incredibly harsh, given I’d lived here two years and hadn’t had this trouble before, that I’d explained to him and the secretary what was happening, and I was doing everything I could to sort it out and that I had just made an agreed payment to him not 4 days ago! After that he stopped acting like such an evil little jerk, bit he was still being awful “We’re a business, we’ve got mortgages to pay!” So, what- throwing my family out and making us homeless over this issue is going to get you where? You’ll have to pay to get a court order to evict us, then redecorate the house, clean the carpets, buy new appliances, plus put it on the market and get what? In this market, probably much less than what we are paying for it! How much are you going to be making off of it during that wait? What a jerk.

So, midnight has come and gone, all our money is gone and we are in the negatives again. Bank charges, groceries, etc. There wasn’t much there, anyway. If the tax credit money was going through today, it would have hit the account at midnight. (The tax credit money is about £1k a month, and is usually backdated three months, so if it ever comes through, it will be… very helpful) I’m so worried and scared and so out of options. John appealed losing his job and they are investigating, officially he is no longer with the company, but apparently he should be getting paid while the investigation is being completed. That would help, but no guarantee of anything. I just can’t believe it’s gotten to this point.

I feel like such a worthless individual. I’ve worked so hard, have tried so hard to do the right things and provide for my kids and I just can’t seem to get it right. Nothing is ever right, it’s like the story of my life. I feel like walking into the sea and just letting it swallow me. These children are better off without me, surely I’m just destroying their lives? I keep trying to have faith in the universe, and tell myself that it will provide, but… it’s not providing, or at least I can’t see it.

I know it’s all self pity and stupidity, but I don’t even care anymore.

As a last ditch effort to save us from becoming homeless I’ve decided I have no option left but to advertise myself as an escort. If I get any decent business, it would be cash in hand & help immensely. Tomorrow is my first official day, so hopefully the phone rings.

I’m sorry to lay this on you, I know it’s all dark and horrid. I just, can’t keep it bottled up, I keep bursting into tears all the time and just really attacking John with it, and he is so weak and fucked up already, he can’t deal with it. I can’t eat and can’t sleep and I’m so on edge and terribly impatient with the children. I just needed someone to talk to, someone I could be open and honest with.

Please don’t tell anyone about this, especially anyone in the family. Love you and hope you’re well, thanks for reading this.

Me

Level 0: Absolute Shit & what comes after that.

My counsellor doesn’t tell me what to do about the anxiety, the fear. She just says that I should spend a few minutes a day “grounding” myself. Checking in with my body, putting my feet on the floor, becoming aware of my breathing, figuring out how I feel. I suppose this is good advice, and it is something I do occasionally already. But, those few minutes a day might be nice at the time, but they won’t change anything. They arent going to stop me spending the rest of my time in a constant state of anxiety, fear about the future, and the present.

Next week is our final session, and I’m not sure I know exactly what I’ve accomplished with her. I suppose having a safe place to let out all my emotions has been good, but it’s only been a few weeks and I still feel as bad inside as before I started to go. I guess dealing with a lifetime worth of issues possibly takes a bit longer?

I worry so much, about everything. But, I’ve found this sort of midline- where I know that everything is absolute shit, but it’s a level of absolute shit that can be tolerated. It’s the lowest level, I think, but it can still be tolerated. When things dip below this level, I have a meltdown, I just can’t function. There is constant sobbing, and objects being thrown and accusations and cruel words can’t be kept to myself. I hate those times.

I wish I had some answers. I wish I knew how to stop feeling so anxious. I wish I knew how to stop myself from sobbing. How to keep myself from shovelling food in my mouth in an effort to keep the bad feelings away.  I was sobbing the other day, and it got so bad that I threw up. And then I made myself do it again. It was so horrible and disgusting but at the same time, it was a distraction. It was a moment where I couldn’t cry, where I couldn’t think, where it felt as if all the bad feelings in me were gone, as if I could just vomit them up. I haven’t done it again, haven’t felt quite that level of desperation and pain again. I wonder if I could do it again? I even wonder if it’s the answer to this horrible binge eating. If I comfort eat, and then force myself to throw up, can I at least stop from gaining more weight?   I hate thinking that. It must sound horrible, if I look at it from a different perspective (hell, my own from a year ago?), it seems stupid. But, really- right now, it seems completely logical.

I want to be happy, and relaxed. I’m afraid I will be this anxious, scared person the rest of my life. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for things to fall apart. I think this experience has profoundly changed the person I am. I will never be the same person, who just did things for the sake of doing them without fear or worry and didn’t give to much thought to what people thought of her, again. Now, I am cynical. I know that everyone has an ulterior motive, and they will screw me if they need to. I don’t trust. I know how people really are-  why they ask the questions they ask, or say certain things.

I am cynical, suspicious, perhaps even paranoid. I don’t like this new person, but she is part of me, now. I was never crazy about the old me, but I’d give almost anything to have her back.