Email I didn’t send

Hi Mom-

I know you probably won’t want to hear my problems, but I’m feeling quite down and just need to talk to someone, I guess. I hope you don’t mind to much.

The money problem has gotten out of hand. I submitted a new claim for my tax credits back in February, they won’t give you an update for 3 weeks, so after the 3 weeks went by, I called to see what was happening. They told me a letter had been sent out, and I’d have to wait to receive that, so I waited. A full seven days after it was posted, I received it. Apparently I had done something on the claim to indicate to them that Lizzy is not a real person, and they wanted her birth certificate and passport. So, I sent that off, even overnighted it to them. They got it over two weeks ago, and I called them every day for over a week trying to get an update, which they wouldn’t give me. I received her documents back on Saturday, but still no word on the benefit.

Of course, I was relying on this benefit to pay the rent last month, and when it didn’t come through, I couldn’t pay the rent. The landlord turned up two days after the rent was due and was a complete prick, demanding to know where *his* money was! I explained to him what the problem was and that I was sure it would be sorted out within the week, as this was the guidance given to John when he went into one of the walk in centers to ask. I was in full panic mode last week and called the land lords office and spoke to one of the ladies there, told her what the problem was and as far as I knew it was just a case of verifying my daughter was a real person and then putting the claim through, but that they would not tell me anything else. I also told her when my housing benefit payments come through and that I was expecting one imminently, and would forward it to the landlord bank account as soon as I received it. She agreed, and as luck would have it, the payment came through the next day, so I went straight over to their bank and deposited it into their account. I told her the second payment for April would be made when the next housing benefit payment came through (I get two a month), and that the whole of Marchs rent would be paid as soon as the tax credit thing went through. She agreed this would be ok. (I havent had any other problems paying the rent the entire two years we’ve lived here!)

What’s worse is that everyone keeps asking me what I’ve done with Marchs housing benefit money. “Well, thats supposed to pay your rent, not the tax credit!”, and acting like I’m drinking it or putting it in my arm or something. The housing benefit comes in as two separate payments, I pay the rent as one payment. All the money goes in from the various sources throughout the month and it all goes out again. Do they think I’ve got fecking jars sitting around labelled with what the various bits of money are for?!

Well, the damn landlord turned up again today! Practically barged his way into the house and shouted at me, with the kids in the front room, that if I didn’t pay him by the end of the week, I’d be out! I was furious, what a jerk!!!! I told him I felt that was incredibly harsh, given I’d lived here two years and hadn’t had this trouble before, that I’d explained to him and the secretary what was happening, and I was doing everything I could to sort it out and that I had just made an agreed payment to him not 4 days ago! After that he stopped acting like such an evil little jerk, bit he was still being awful “We’re a business, we’ve got mortgages to pay!” So, what- throwing my family out and making us homeless over this issue is going to get you where? You’ll have to pay to get a court order to evict us, then redecorate the house, clean the carpets, buy new appliances, plus put it on the market and get what? In this market, probably much less than what we are paying for it! How much are you going to be making off of it during that wait? What a jerk.

So, midnight has come and gone, all our money is gone and we are in the negatives again. Bank charges, groceries, etc. There wasn’t much there, anyway. If the tax credit money was going through today, it would have hit the account at midnight. (The tax credit money is about £1k a month, and is usually backdated three months, so if it ever comes through, it will be… very helpful) I’m so worried and scared and so out of options. John appealed losing his job and they are investigating, officially he is no longer with the company, but apparently he should be getting paid while the investigation is being completed. That would help, but no guarantee of anything. I just can’t believe it’s gotten to this point.

I feel like such a worthless individual. I’ve worked so hard, have tried so hard to do the right things and provide for my kids and I just can’t seem to get it right. Nothing is ever right, it’s like the story of my life. I feel like walking into the sea and just letting it swallow me. These children are better off without me, surely I’m just destroying their lives? I keep trying to have faith in the universe, and tell myself that it will provide, but… it’s not providing, or at least I can’t see it.

I know it’s all self pity and stupidity, but I don’t even care anymore.

As a last ditch effort to save us from becoming homeless I’ve decided I have no option left but to advertise myself as an escort. If I get any decent business, it would be cash in hand & help immensely. Tomorrow is my first official day, so hopefully the phone rings.

I’m sorry to lay this on you, I know it’s all dark and horrid. I just, can’t keep it bottled up, I keep bursting into tears all the time and just really attacking John with it, and he is so weak and fucked up already, he can’t deal with it. I can’t eat and can’t sleep and I’m so on edge and terribly impatient with the children. I just needed someone to talk to, someone I could be open and honest with.

Please don’t tell anyone about this, especially anyone in the family. Love you and hope you’re well, thanks for reading this.

Me

Hate & Loathing, and me without any drugs.

I used to love him. He is much older than me, but that never bothered me. He went grey long before I met him, early, in his twenties. That never bothered me, either. I loved his hair, I thought it suited him. I’ve never talked about his attractiveness with anyone else, but I always thought he was very handsome. I still do. His blue eyes are like icicles and their coolness melts me.  He has the most wonderful cheekbones, and I have always loved his arms, of all things.

I didn’t know how I felt about him anymore, only that out of necessity I was not divorcing him, not out of love. Did that mean I no longer loved him? As he spends more time with us, gearing up toward coming home permanently, I find that more and more I think “I hate him”.  I hate his dishevelled hair that he never brushes, and only cuts when I insist and do it for him. I hate how trying to correct a simple misunderstanding, or ask a simple question becomes a task on par with climbing everest with no guide and no oxygen.  I hate how he kept secrets from me, that I only ever knew about because I had stumbled upon them at first and later went looking for. I hate how when all I want is simple sex, love making if you will, he needs me to cater for some stupid fetish that disgusts me. I hate how he crawls into the bed that has been mine alone for over a year and takes over the majority of it, unintentionally confining me to a small pocket with half my ass hanging over the side. I hate how he sweats profusely at night, soaking the pillows and making the whole room smell of it. I hate how he will bitch if the dishes don’t get washed for three days in a row- yet for three days in a row he will sit on his ass watching tv after dinner, not washing dishes. I hate how I do a million things every day, and still don’t get through everything and feel guilty, yet he can hardly manage a 5 item to do list and even then it’s only with me hassling him about it.  All I can think is “I hate, I hate”, when previously these things were barely on my radar, with the worst being a slight annoyance. I loved him before and perhaps that made up for his flaws? Or did it simply mean I couldn’t see his them?

He is still the same devoted husband, but now he is less my loyal prince and more a desperate, needy puppy dog. One that I want to kick. (And I’d never kick a puppy.) I find myself snapping at him constantly, hardly able to keep the annoyance from creeping into my voice. I wonder how long I will be able to keep this act up? How many times will I be able to say “I love you, don’t worry”, when he is feeling sad and miserable for himself? If he had not lost his job, and were still able to support the family financially, would I feel the same way as I do, now?

 

Valentines Day

Last Valentines day I had made plans to have a date with my husband. Then, on the 12th of February, we separated, I threw him out, and those plans were disrupted. I went with my good friend and neighbor, K, instead. We had a nice time, but the lovey dovey atmosphere and roses on the table made K feel a bit awkward, she wondered if everyone in the restaurant thought we were perhaps lesbians. I wasn’t all that bothered, actually. The situation I had suddenly found myself in with my husband made the thought of a romantic Valentines Day dinner with a same sex girlfriend sound positively ideal.  K, being slightly older and of a more conservative nature, wasn’t as amused by the thought as I…

Nevertheless, we had a nice dinner, exchanging tales of husbandry woes and laughing together. It was a much needed respite from the pain of the two days prior.

This Valentines Day was slightly different. There is no money for dinner dates of any kind, or even Valentines gifts for the children. I am stressed, given to sudden outbursts for stupid reasons, unexpected jags of sobbing, even throwing cake pans (containing actual cake) and plates across the room when a cake has turned out wrong. My children are still loving and make me laugh, but more often than not I don’t even want to be around them, so strong are my feelings of apathy and listlessness.

My husband ignored it, as is his custom. He’ll have forgotten it, or else he is to embarrassed to mention it as finances have meant there was simply no money for cards or chocolates. I’m not really up for his gifts anyway. Our anniversary was last month and I had to “celebrate” that with him, though I had no real desire to so. I really am not up to any more displays of fake romance or love.

K no longer speaks to me much. I don’t blame her. She was a good friend at the beginning of all this, and her trustworthiness has been remarkable. But, I suppose I am a bit of a leper now. We plan to move away next year, I just hope the secret can stay a secret that long, lest I go from leper to public enemy number 1.