Level 0: Absolute Shit & what comes after that.

My counsellor doesn’t tell me what to do about the anxiety, the fear. She just says that I should spend a few minutes a day “grounding” myself. Checking in with my body, putting my feet on the floor, becoming aware of my breathing, figuring out how I feel. I suppose this is good advice, and it is something I do occasionally already. But, those few minutes a day might be nice at the time, but they won’t change anything. They arent going to stop me spending the rest of my time in a constant state of anxiety, fear about the future, and the present.

Next week is our final session, and I’m not sure I know exactly what I’ve accomplished with her. I suppose having a safe place to let out all my emotions has been good, but it’s only been a few weeks and I still feel as bad inside as before I started to go. I guess dealing with a lifetime worth of issues possibly takes a bit longer?

I worry so much, about everything. But, I’ve found this sort of midline- where I know that everything is absolute shit, but it’s a level of absolute shit that can be tolerated. It’s the lowest level, I think, but it can still be tolerated. When things dip below this level, I have a meltdown, I just can’t function. There is constant sobbing, and objects being thrown and accusations and cruel words can’t be kept to myself. I hate those times.

I wish I had some answers. I wish I knew how to stop feeling so anxious. I wish I knew how to stop myself from sobbing. How to keep myself from shovelling food in my mouth in an effort to keep the bad feelings away.  I was sobbing the other day, and it got so bad that I threw up. And then I made myself do it again. It was so horrible and disgusting but at the same time, it was a distraction. It was a moment where I couldn’t cry, where I couldn’t think, where it felt as if all the bad feelings in me were gone, as if I could just vomit them up. I haven’t done it again, haven’t felt quite that level of desperation and pain again. I wonder if I could do it again? I even wonder if it’s the answer to this horrible binge eating. If I comfort eat, and then force myself to throw up, can I at least stop from gaining more weight?   I hate thinking that. It must sound horrible, if I look at it from a different perspective (hell, my own from a year ago?), it seems stupid. But, really- right now, it seems completely logical.

I want to be happy, and relaxed. I’m afraid I will be this anxious, scared person the rest of my life. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for things to fall apart. I think this experience has profoundly changed the person I am. I will never be the same person, who just did things for the sake of doing them without fear or worry and didn’t give to much thought to what people thought of her, again. Now, I am cynical. I know that everyone has an ulterior motive, and they will screw me if they need to. I don’t trust. I know how people really are-  why they ask the questions they ask, or say certain things.

I am cynical, suspicious, perhaps even paranoid. I don’t like this new person, but she is part of me, now. I was never crazy about the old me, but I’d give almost anything to have her back.

dismissal

His offender manager “suggested” he voluntarily self disclose to his employer. Voluntary was how it was described. But, OM made it clear that if he didn’t, OM would. He tried to tell OM that it would mean he would lose his job, but OM didn’t think this was the case. The police didn’t feel he should lose his job, certainly his company would feel the same. Turns out they didn’t. Husband was suspended, an investigation was launched, a hearing was held. The police were happy to tell me and husband how they didn’t think he should lose his job,but wouldn’t put it in writing. They put lots of nice things in writing, just not that specific line. After just shy of three weeks of nail biting- a letter was received.

When you are waiting for news and it comes in the form of a letter, you know it won’t be good. Husband was dimissed. The company was concerned that if it got out, it would cause them embarassment. “Disrepute”. You can’t blame them, really. But, given the facts of the case, and that the police were unconcerned about him remaining in his job, it seemed harsh. He’s worked for that company for over 20 years, surely they could have found him a different position, at least.

When the whole mess started, a year ago, I was forced to leave my job. Now, neither of us is working. Husband will not be able to find a job in his industry and he has no other skills and qualifications. I try to be positive for him. He is devastated, though he knows he is lucky to have not also lost his family and his freedom as well. So, I talk about how it is one door closing, but another opening. How the industry is in freefall anyway, and he would have been cut loose eventually. How, perhaps it is the universe giving him the kick in the ass he needs to move on and do something more fulfilling.  Inside, I am in turmoil. He is not motivated, he is not driven. Finding another job making equal money at least will take a lot of time and effort. Will he be willing/able to put that effort in? He is not young and his age is against him.

The worst part is that his asshole office manager was told everything. Chances are he will have told husbands coworkers as well. If this is true, I am very worried about how much longer it will remain a secret. How long until the torch and pitchfork mob appear outside my house?

Valentines Day

Last Valentines day I had made plans to have a date with my husband. Then, on the 12th of February, we separated, I threw him out, and those plans were disrupted. I went with my good friend and neighbor, K, instead. We had a nice time, but the lovey dovey atmosphere and roses on the table made K feel a bit awkward, she wondered if everyone in the restaurant thought we were perhaps lesbians. I wasn’t all that bothered, actually. The situation I had suddenly found myself in with my husband made the thought of a romantic Valentines Day dinner with a same sex girlfriend sound positively ideal.  K, being slightly older and of a more conservative nature, wasn’t as amused by the thought as I…

Nevertheless, we had a nice dinner, exchanging tales of husbandry woes and laughing together. It was a much needed respite from the pain of the two days prior.

This Valentines Day was slightly different. There is no money for dinner dates of any kind, or even Valentines gifts for the children. I am stressed, given to sudden outbursts for stupid reasons, unexpected jags of sobbing, even throwing cake pans (containing actual cake) and plates across the room when a cake has turned out wrong. My children are still loving and make me laugh, but more often than not I don’t even want to be around them, so strong are my feelings of apathy and listlessness.

My husband ignored it, as is his custom. He’ll have forgotten it, or else he is to embarrassed to mention it as finances have meant there was simply no money for cards or chocolates. I’m not really up for his gifts anyway. Our anniversary was last month and I had to “celebrate” that with him, though I had no real desire to so. I really am not up to any more displays of fake romance or love.

K no longer speaks to me much. I don’t blame her. She was a good friend at the beginning of all this, and her trustworthiness has been remarkable. But, I suppose I am a bit of a leper now. We plan to move away next year, I just hope the secret can stay a secret that long, lest I go from leper to public enemy number 1.

loss

They came at midnight. There were two of them, a man and a woman. I don’t think they were very far along in their careers, novices still. They acted very courteous and professional, as they rooted through my belongings. They even kindly acted like they couldn’t hear me when I finally broke down and sobbed over the phone to my mother, 5272 miles away. I asked her to come, she said she couldn’t.

They took the computer, with various discs and other items. I had known they’d be coming and had made some effort to transfer various important documents and pictures to email accounts, but there are thousands of pictures, and  simply not enough time. I signed a waiver and just like that- it was gone. They told me I’d get it back. After. That was a year ago.

Now they tell me I may not get it back. They said they would *try*, but that was months ago. I’ve heard nothing and now… I fear they are gone. My youngest childs baby pictures, 5 years of family snapshots and vacation and holiday pictures.  Gone.

There have been many many hard points during the last 12 months, and that, I think is the hardest. I can cope with so much adversity. I can keep fighting to keep living forever if I need to. But, knowing I might not ever see those pictures again, fills me with such grief and sadness. Even resentment, anger, and hate. This was not my fault. I did nothing to deserve this. He did this to me. And, oh, how I despise him for it.